Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize