I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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