My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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