Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just come out here and I will go home with you...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
