Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
