I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The uberlube is also flammable
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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