he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
