dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
