I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
