i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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