i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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