i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
