By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize