I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
