For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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