Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
