Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
