Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
