My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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