I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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