Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Randomize
