You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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