you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
