Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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