The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
