i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
