I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
