I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
