I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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