yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize