Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
