worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
