When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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