I wish my penis had an off switch
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize