Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
