the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
