I just pynch a tree in the face
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
