dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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