I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Every concussion has its silver lining
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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