There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
