He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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