You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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