SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
