Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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