She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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