remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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