Even the bartender felt bad for me
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
