matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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