i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
