$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
did i walk over a car last night?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
