$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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