You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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