My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
