The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
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