i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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