I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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