Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
