What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
