Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Pants 0. Shit 1.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
