Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
