The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
