omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
