Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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