I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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